Aaaaaand....I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD!

Hello friends and anons!

I’m so so sorry if it took me this long to write again. This 2nd year was just...tiring.

No. "Tiring" just doesn't cut it.

Exhausting. Draining. Spent. Consumed. Jaded. Tired. Weary.

It’s true what the upper years told me during my 1st year.

Enjoy it while you can.

The first year in Medicine was a stroll in the park. This year was a stroll through the gates of Mordor.  I wouldn’t doubt it for a second if the upper years told me that the 3rd year (and succeeding years in Medicine) would just get worse.  

The reason why it took me so long to write again was that I was struggling. The subjects were harder,  the workload/ study load was immense, the lecturers were even more strict, and, everything was just happening too fast.

This year, exams were all held in one week (most of the time). Unlike last year where one subject would be scheduled on Monday, another on Friday, or whatever random day they picked, this year, everything happened in a week. Usually, on one day, there would be at least 2 subjects; one in the morning, one in the afternoon. It would have been fine for just one day, but, by the 2^nd day, you’re just waiting for the week end.

I was studying my ass of as usual, and I thought that it was enough to get even a decent grade in that particular subject.

Exams were done. Results came out. Voila. I failed.

I got depressed, I went on an eating binge, and threw myself a small pity party to celebrate my failure.

And just like that, the party just started.

I failed another exam. And then another. And then another.  Sometimes, some of my exams would just resurrect from the dead due to the MPL. I’d rejoice in that, but, I knew that I wasn’t doing as well as I should.

That’s one of the things I noticed with these failures. They tend to haul you down, make you rearrange your priorities and alter your view on what’s enough. Your standards get lower, you sacrifice quality for quantity, and you just keep grabbing at loose ends and find yourself empty handed after it all.

Before, I studied to get to the top,  challenging myself to just do better.  Now, its more of study to get that passing grade. Even before the exam is done, I would be computing for the MPL (adjusted score) at the margins of my paper.  I’d look over my answers, make a quick calculation, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see that I know enough answers to save me for this exam. Quietly, I say a little prayer, and then promise to myself that I’d study harder next time to redeem the really bad grade.

And then it happens again. You get caught in the vicious cycle of just trying to get by. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. But ultimately, what happens is you just get stuck doing just enough.

Im not saying that if you keep failing, it means you’re not learning, or you’re lazy, or whatever.

It’s the effort that went behind it. If you poured everything into learning and studying for that exam and and still came up short, it just means that you have to try harder. Or smarter. 

When I failed my exams, I tried studying harder. I stuck with the same study routine I had in my first year. Then I failed again.

I continued doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a change somehow. And  then it struck me, its not going to work.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/35565_296671800447151_1518836922_n.jpg

Fine, Pinterest was my go to place for inspiration. And this just struck a chord. I tried different study methods. I worked with index cards, typing my own reviewers, reading, listening to recordings, etc. Up to now, I still haven’t figured out the best way for me to study. But Im doing better. Much better than before.

My grades improved slightly. I was still failing a few exams here and there, but I was getting used to it in a sense that it wasn’t so depressing enough to stop me from studying again with full force.

I used to be so envious of several of my classmates who seemed to get the hang of everything. They were getting really good grades, they were asking all the right questions during discussion, they were LEARNING. While some of us were on the sidelines trying to learn how to tie our own shoelaces, the toppers ( classmates who were excelling) were running about, executing complex drills and the like.

I knew that they studied before hand, that they took the time to review their basics, understood it, and just related it the present lesson, but, I just couldn’t do the same thing.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. I wanted to become the best, I wanted to perform and excel, but I just didn’t know how.

I still don’t know how. But one thing’s for sure, I. WILL.NOT.SETTLE.FOR.COMFORT.OR.MEDIOCRITY.

I may not be one of the smartest, or brightest in the class. But I will not settle for just being one of those people who tell themselves that “Its ok if I don’t do well now, I’ll just do better in the future, when Im a doctor. At least I’ll get to do things my way.”

Never become these people. Its tempting to think about it. Its even more tempting to live it and accept it as it is because so many people are doing it. But don’t do it.

I’ve met a few people , and some lecturers who proved this wrong. They may not have been the smartest of the bunch, but they worked like hell to get where they are.

We should do the same. We’re going to be doctors. Nobody wants a half-baked doctor.